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The Future of The Chariot


A mysterious benefactor has recently purchased the nationally-acclaimed “NHP Chariot” for a sum of forty-four dollars. This has made the unnamed philanthropist the largest shareholder of the company, giving them de facto ownership of the news organization.

“The Chariot is one of the most important websites on the Internet, receiving millions of clicks a day. It would be a shame to pass this opportunity up,” says the benefactor.

Their recent acquisition has resulted in a massive shift in the power dynamics within the organization. Editors-in-chief Rachel Houng and Tina Torre have been victim in massive waves of layoffs in the name of “company restructuring.”

“The efficiency of the original staff was far too low for the importance that the organization holds,” says the benefactor. “I could probably do their entire workload on my own. And I don’t even know how to read!”

Source by YahooFinance

The mysterious benefactor analyzes The Chariot's past margins to maximize the publication's revenue.

“Nobody knows what this mysterious individual is doing, and to be frank, nobody cares,” stated former editor-in-chief Rachel Houng. “At least Tina and I get our severance packages.”

“Honestly, I’m just super tired of the entire process for writing and editing articles, so I see this as an intervention from a higher power,” said former editor-in-chief Tina Torre. “Best of luck to the new owner of the Chariot, I guess.”

The benefactor has already revamped several features on The Chariot’s website, taking the creative vision of the organization in a different path. For one, articles are no longer sorted by issue, rather, they’re randomly sorted everyday and placed in that order for the day.

“I think that this allows for more free speech,” said the mysterious individual. “Maybe I want to read an article about sports from three years ago. The original design of the website prevented me from doing so. Floral Park’s newspaper knows what I mean.”

Additionally, The Chariot has pioneered a new subscription-based service, never before seen in a school newspaper. For a small subscription fee of eight dollars a month, Chariot Chartreuse™ subscribers get early access to articles, their comments prioritized above other non-subscribers in the comment section, and a lime green checkmark next to their name, symbolizing their status as a Chartreuse™ user.

“To be honest, I’m a little confused on why we added this feature. But like, we’ve gotten garlic knots and lemonade every time we order dinner instead of just pizza, so I’m not complaining,” said news editor Samarth Jani.

Only time will tell how the future of The Chariot turns out.


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