By Debarati Chowdhury
hey besties, it’s ur fave, mr. worldwide (aka mom’s spaghetti, joe malone, fireball)
i decided that the chariot needed a lil more TLC, so i thought, why not bash other newspapers to make ours look kewler. now im not talking about other newspapers in the district, but im talking about “free news for $40 a month” newspapers.
thats right, im talking about newspapers that could pummel us, but i stan the chariot so lets bash :)
Source by Lauren DiGregorio
Everyone's obvious first choice, the Chariot online paper, atop the bottom tier newspapers.
WARNING: IF YOU LIKE ANY OF THESE NEWSPAPERS AND GET PISSED REALLY QUICK, TOO BAD CUZ UR FAVORITE PAPER SHOULD BE THE CHARIOT :)
1. Newsday
let’s start off with a long island classic. if you do not know about Newsday, then you are either a traitor to the state of New York, a child, or you just dont live in New York, so boohoo for you. in general this newspaper is totally fine. it’s got some engaging headlines (not like chariot tho), well-written articles (not like chariot tho), and some great editors (not like chariot tho). the only problem is this: it aint free. why subscribe to a yearly subscription for $110 when chariot is free all year round? sure it’s bi-monthly, but hey; it’s a good digital newspaper for free. besides, chariot as kewl art. does Newsday have kewl art? no, it doesnt. also, i asked my friends, and they dont read Newsday, but my grandparents do. i guess that gives some insight on who reads it.
2. The New York Times
ahhhh the New York Times, the “queen” of all newspapers. everyone in this country has heard about the New York Times. actually, screw country, the entire world knows about them. The New York Times is like that one cousin your parents compare you to, and thats my gripe against this reasonably-priced crown jewel of the public press. literally everyone says “oh the New York Times this'' or “wow, the New York Times that”. ok jeez, maybe show that hype for a newspaper that’s high quality, eco-friendly, and free (if you’re not getting the hint, you better cuz chariot is trés suprême *chefs kiss*). also the headlines are so long, theyre probably longer than the articles themselves, although i wouldnt know what the articles say since i reached my last free article 5 months ago.
3. The Wall Street Journal
ah yes, the Wall Street Journal. it’s so famous, i almost forgot to write about it in this public press burn book, but i didnt cuz im merciless (hehe). now i dont even read this, but i will still burn it to pieces, otherwise you wouldn’t read this article. first red flag: it talks about finance and business. dont tell me you find business and finance articles interesting, because the only people i know would be interested in that is jeff bezos and business majors trying to finish their homework. i’ll keep this short because i dont judge a book by its cover, but i will most definitely judge a newspaper by its headlines, and business and money stuff is a no-no. see, at least chariot doesnt talk about business or money (chariot is now available to you for an unlimited amount of time for $0 and 0 cents plus tax).
4. New York Post
oh yes, the New York Post. it’s your classic tabloid newspaper, with the celebrity gossip (that no one cares about), the gorgeous sensationalism (that no one cares about), and some of the most dramatic headlines (that no one cares about, but we still read them anyways. also, chariot headlines are better <3). the New York Post is also full of itself for its mass advertising. the audacity to advertise on bulletin boards, on pop-up ads, on the train, in the restrooms. like, where the hell does it stop? on a more serious note, however, the newspaper has been notorious for its racist headlines and discriminatory articles, so that’s a BIG no-no. chariot on the other hand, is racism-free :). take notes, posty-boy.
5. BuzzFeed
do i even have to explain this one? one look at their page and you’ll go “what the hell?”. what does rocky road ice cream have to do with my future career? why should i care what justin bieber wore to the grammys 20 years ago (lol was he even old enough to go to the grammys 20 years ago)? why the hell does the quiz think im 50? buzzfeed in general is a whole circus. if i could, i would definitely write an entire book on just the absurdity of buzzfeed quizzes. in simpler terms, buzzfeed is basically the iPad kid.