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Dan Retires After Striking it Rich on Wall Street

By Warren Buffett

After many years of dedicated service, our beloved high school security guard, Dan, is retiring from his position at the school. Dan recently made a fortune on the stock market, allowing him to retire comfortably and pursue other interests (such as giving unsolicited financial advice). He had been working as a security guard at the high school for at least more than a day, and surely will be missed by the community.

Dan’s infinite Wall Street wisdom came from his prolific career at a Wall Street firm. His career saw an abrupt end when he was fired on his birthday by Elon Musk himself. After the fact, Dan has vowed revenge on Musk, but then gave up on his devious plans for vengeance and became a school security guard.

Dan never truly left the world of stock investing, maintaining a small portfolio with funds he obtained by selling compromising photos of Warren Buffet (his former intern). On December 2, 2022, Dan purchased 100,000 shares of Ambryx Biopharma Inc. (NASDAQ:AMAM) at the rate of just fifty cents a share. Ambryx Biopharma Inc. then proceeded to gain 1000% overnight and has continued shooting up for the last four months. Finally, Dan decided to sell all of his shares for the price of $12.30 per share on April 21, 2023. This represents a gain of 2460%, or $1,230,000.

Source by Darsh Mirchandani

Dan looks giddy after making it rich $$$$$

This huge windfall had enabled Dan to retire from his career as a security guard and keep a prolific garden full of everything from Carolina Reapers and chickens. Dan plans to donate all of his produce to food banks across Long Island.

The effects of this windfall have spread further than just the retirement of Dan. After Dan retired, the rest of the security staff lost the motivation to work and all quit. With this, pandemonium had broken out, with no one to keep students in line. Brawls have occurred on three separate occasions. All H-E-Double hockey sticks has broken loose. The question now remains: will our hero Dan and his colleagues come back to save us from the chaos?


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