College Admissions for Dummies

the KGB, muah

Welcome, fellow New Hyde Park Memorial high school students! Even though you may not know it yet, you are competing with the entire United States population of students to get into college. And if you’re here reading this, I am so sorry for you because you have chosen me as your source of advice and wisdom on this topic. When you read it you’ll be shocked by the tremendous mess that is the brain of an anxious high school student. To put it into perspective, it’s going to be like looking up the cost of ANY private college in America.

Now if you have not looked up all of your ideal colleges, you are not normal, or, you are not worried, in which case, good for you. Studies, conducted by me in the most unbiased manner show that college and the reality of picking a major have caused the most crying sessions in teenagers. And when reality hits and the dust settles we are all going to need to know the same thing, HOW do I get into college?

I am here, your knight in shining armor, to provide you just that! You may ask, why should I listen to you? That is a great question with an even better answer, you shouldn’t! But you will, because my friends, we are all in this together (cue High School Musical fade out..).

Source by Lauren DiGregorio

This photo depicts the very secret, non biased list that shows EXACTLY how admissions chooses its applicants. I mean it's all about a diverse schedule...

#1: Money

Yes folks, I am starting here. If you have pretty deep pockets or can someone cough up a LARGE sum of money and just so happen to slip it to Admissions then you’re set! In the eyes of a young deer trapped in the headlights of college, otherwise known as a freshman, if you have the “cash money” you will succeed. Times are changing my friends.

In order for it (it being your little “transaction”) to work you have to do the handshake where you slip the cash into their hand. That’s the only way it works, the movies say so. Or you have to pull a Lori Loughlin, but don’t get caught!

#2: Fake it till you make it

In the wise words of a senior, “college is free, just show up and sit in class, you won’t get a degree but you’re in college.” If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it is probably a duck. Be a duck. Pretend that you belong, and you will.

If you sit there college professors will probably have no problem having you a 20 pound syllabus. So, by all means, if you wish to cause yourself back problems and stress, go for it.

#3: Finesse

The students at NHP definitely know a thing or two about finesse! And if you can finesse your way through life then getting into college will be a piece of cake. Here’s what some NHP juniors and sophomores have to say about finesse.

“Procrastinate everything until the last minute, because your application will be on the top.”

“Save up for a course hero and math way account.”

“Pay and cheat.”

If you look hard enough there's actually a small child passing out chemistry cheat sheets. Sources say it's a seventh grader but no one knows how they got them..

To put it simply, girlboss your way through admissions season and you’re set.

(gaslight admissions?)

#4: Be Unique

If you play: golf, ice hockey, lacrosse, crew or ski or do equestrian riding, or you play the: bassoon, the cello, the oboe and / or a couple of these instruments you’re probably going to get a really good scholarship. Many colleges have open spots for these sports and instruments because there are very few people who play them. So, if you’re looking for a new hobby, perhaps a new life path, here’s some options!

To practice these skills the fourth floor pool is open throughout the day for all you professional rowers out there ;)

#5: Don’t worry about ittt

My last and favorite point on the checklist is this. Bill Gates, Ralph Lauren, Steve Madden, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerburg. You know what they all have in common? They are college dropouts and BILLIONAIRES. Loaded and without a college degree! You wouldn’t think it possible but it’s true and achievable. So, in theory NHP! It’s not that deep.