By Let Me Take a Cell-fie
And on the fourth day, America was saved. You don’t think the President has been the reason everyone’s getting vaccinated and we’re getting all these stimulus checks, right? That would be dumb to assume, of course. The reason things have been going so smoothly is actually because America happens to be under new management. Our very own science kween Ms. Gelber was greatly disappointed in how the country was being run, so she took matters into her own hands.
Source by the total cutie Erwin Chargaff
Ms. Gelber gracefully offers her political wisdom to aid America in Joe's time of crisis.
Being kween of science was getting too easy for Gelber to handle, so she decided being kween of all America was a job better suited for her. For the past couple of months, Ms. Gelber has been swimming the 250 miles it is from New Hyde Park to the White House every day for two weeks to map the layout and memorize it for when she wants to take over. Hiking up to Pennsylvania Avenue on Easter Sunday was the start of Ms. Gelber’s overthrowing plot. Being personal close friends with Joe Biden, she knew he would be busy with his dogs on this fine Sunday. She breached the White House by disarming all the guards by telling them to draw diagrams of respiration. (If her students can’t do that, the guards shorely couldn’t either.)
“Like, have you seen her biceps?”
In Michael Scott fashion, Ms. Gelber declared her dictatorship and that’s kinda it. Many people have been really upset that Ms. Gelber would overthrow President Biden but we have some insider news here.
“She didn’t actually overthrow me. I asked her to take over. After people kept asking me if I was going to live long enough to see the next election, I decided it was time to call in a favor to my little immortal pal, Mary. She’s just so much more qualified than I am. Like, have you seen her biceps? I knew she could see to America revitalizing itself,” said former President Joe Biden from his hiding place in Queens.
Ms. Gelber has some quite ambitious plans for our country for the future, namely restructuring the entire education system but more importantly, abolishing College Board.
No longer the United States of America, the United Republic of Gelber Mitochondria has been seeing crazy economic growth and has been the quickest nation in recovering from COVID. Anti-vaxxers literally don’t exist and COVID somehow disappeared after hearing of Gelber’s leadership. The founders of College Board have all been jailed and the money from their not-for-profit organization has been redirected to creating Gelber shrines all over the nation. Greek excerpts from the Odyssey and the Iliad are recited every day in exchange for the Pledge of Allegiance.
For the first time in The Chariot history, we are taking a political stance. We are absolutely loving the Reign of Gelber!!
“I think it’s so cool that MY teacher is the leader of our country! Although I was hoping that if she took the position she would be too busy to keep roasting us in the private comment section of our tests. But I guess there’s nothing that's gonna stop this woman from doing that, maybe that's supposed to be her main form of sustenance or something,” said Jean Flo as she was found sobbing in the bathroom after Ms. Gelber yelled at her for not being able to identify the x-axis on a graph.
Ms. Gelber splits her time in between the White House and New Hyde Park. Approval rates are at an all-time high and we have all been enjoying this renewed era of the Roaring Twenties.