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This Is Incredible: Every College Dropped To An All Time Low Acceptance Rate of 0%

By New Hyde Park Memorial's Department of Admissions


Getting into college is an amazing accomplishment. It is a remarkable moment in one’s lifetime, and one should be praised for such a feat. Unfortunately, not a single student at New Hyde Park Memorial High School was able to celebrate this momentous milestone.


Incredible! Every college in the United States reported an acceptance rate of 0% for the Class of 2027.


Several students are in a panic regarding their future plans, while others are still in the dark regarding college applications.


“I had no idea what everyone was freaking out about. I didn’t even know you were supposed to apply to college,” senior Shawn Carlson said. “I thought that was just, like, a joke.”


“I only applied to the CommonApp. My guidance counselor kept saying that ‘the CommonApp is just a college application site, not somewhere we can apply to,’ but I’m really knowledgeable about the college admissions process, and I knew that they were wrong. I was like, “well yeah, that’s the point, it’s where you apply to the CommonApp,” senior David Ren caterwauled. “I think it’s really weird that I didn't hear back though.”


“I already got into New Hyde Park Memorial a couple years ago so I didn’t see the point in applying to other high schools. I am perfectly fine and happy here,” senior Paul Wang crowed.


Similarly, juniors are in a frenzy after receiving this news.


“After taking David’s advice, I started my college application to CommonApp early so I had enough time to perfect my application. My guidance counselor seems to be warning me of the same things David’s did, exclaiming that I can’t apply to the CommonApp, but who knows who to trust anymore," junior Fiona O’Reilly muttered.


“I scored a 100 on my SAT so I’ll probably be fine. My guidance counselor immediately rushed me into their office when they found out and said they'd never seen such a score before,” junior Matthew Muntzenberger boasted.


The New Hyde Park Memorial PPS Department is likewise in shambles. Naviance has been shut down for an indefinite period of time, or as critics speculate, until the guidance counselors successfully hide the 2,493 gorgeous crimson rejections on the “admissions” page.


Source from Nafee Ànse

A leaked image of the Naviance admissions site.


“We are really confused too. Sure, there were some minor mishaps along the application process on our end, like forgetting to attach the students’ transcripts or submitting blank mid-year reports, but it was nothing serious,” guidance counselor Mr. Cobb conceded.


Teachers have also been contemplating what led to this catastrophe.


“I think I submitted a selfie instead of one of my student’s letters of recommendation,” math teacher Mr. Sime said.


As students and faculty ruminate about what went wrong, the New Hyde Park Memorial Administration is currently pioneering a grade 13 curriculum.


“I’m really scared. Do we still get prom?” senior Sahara John cried.

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