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"He doesn't even go here:" The Double Life of Marco Valle

By A Betrayed Friend

Teachers call him an old soul. Parents say he's beyond his age. But behind the quick-witted nature of one of NHP's most involved students, Marco Valle, is actually a double life.

My suspicions started when, as per usual, I offered Marco a ride home after a late night of editing for the Chariot (the Sharioot's rival paper). To my surprise, Marco declined the offer, which was unusual for a leech like him. Still, I assumed his father (or who I thought was his father) Pobe Valle would be picking him up. So, I began my long walk to the senior lot, when I realized I forgot my keys and quickly turned around to make my way back to the Student Activities room. As I approached the room, I began to hear Marco on the phone. I could not believe what I heard. A child on the other line "Dad, come home! Me and Proscutto miss you!"

Utter shock is not a strong enough description for what I felt in that moment. Junior Marco Valle was living a double life, and was actually the father of Gabagool (9) and Proscutto (11), his two kids living in the oldest house on Arthur Avenue.

After further inquiries and some deep social-media stalking, I found out more about Marco Valle's double life. Apparently, he is from a line of pizza shop owners from Italy's next best thing- LAWNG ISLAND (that's how it is spelled on his Facebook Page). He is twice divorced and has full custody of his two children, which is why he works so hard as NHP's assistant student activities coordinator and unofficial class advisor. Rumors have it that SCHSD Central Administration has been paying Marco off of the books since 7th grade to take on several essential roles around the school and disguise himself as a student.

Source from Anonymous

Pobe Valle leaving the motherland to come to LAWNG ISLAND (colorized). Not pictured: Marco Valle disregarding his father's sacrifices to become Central Admin's most wanted.

"I am just upset I was left out of the loop," student activities coordinator and social studies teacher Ms. Vosswinkel-Blum said. "There was no need for Marco to lie to us all, but now that his secret is out, it is all making sense to me. Every time I send Marco an email or text to come down to my office, he makes it down in minutes. It was like he was never in class... and this is true. He is never in class, because he doesn't have any."

"I always thought something was weird about that kid," principal Dr. Faccio said. "But this? This is outrageous. I will be taking this up with Central Admin... after Marco finishes up his work on the junior prom committee of course."

Ultimately, it is unclear who will be filling all of Marco Valle's 37 roles in the school if he is not allowed on school grounds from this point onward. However, until then, Marco, if you are reading this, I feel betrayed. I wish you the best of luck moving forward and the best for Proscutto and Gabagool. Too bad their father is a fraud.


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